How we got on the subject in the first place, is beyond me. I usually hate talking about death and such. It's too depressing, and quite frankly, once I'm gone, what am I going to care? Should there be an afterlife, and I'm able to come back and actually see what my loved ones are doing, they'd better just be doing right, or I will haunt them until they do, that's all I have to say.
Now, don't go getting huffy on the subject of life after death, and God, and all that jazz. I'm not saying I don't believe, I'm just saying I'm one of those people that typically has to see it to believe it. Right now, I'm in no big hurry to see for myself, if you know what I mean.
Anywho, Mike and I are talking about this stuff, and I ask him, "Do you think you'll remarry if I die first?"
Now, I'm not the type of person that thinks I am IT. I hardly think that I have affected anyone's life so much so that they will just be devastated if I die, and be unable to move on with their lives. I expect the normal amount of grieving and then it will be time to move on; whether that means getting remarried or whatever. I even told Mike that it would be okay if he decided to remarry. I want him to be happy after all.
He hesitated a little then said, "I suppose I might remarry." He kind of looks at me out of the corner of his eye, gauging my reaction, to which I really had none. Honestly, it didn't hurt my feelings at all. We were talking after I'm dead, after all, and like I said before, once I'm gone, what will I care?
I think he was somewhat hurt that I didn't have a more....uh....emotional reaction.
So, it was my turn. He asked me the same question.
I didn't hesitate. "No, I don't think I'll remarry. Been there, done that. Not going to do it again," I said, probably a little too harshly.
His expression was one of hurt and horror. "Is being married to me so horrible that you'd never want to do it again?" he asked. The disappointment in his voice was very evident.
Harsh was not how I wanted that statement to come out, believe me. I guess I could have found a better way to put it, so I had to explain myself.
"Being married to you has been the best thing I've ever done. It's been the happiest time of my life. But, it's been a lot of work. Not only do I have myself to take care of, I take care of you and the kids. Not only do I have myself to worry about, I have to worry about you and the kids. I've been doing it since barely out of high school, and while I love taking care of you guys, most times, my own needs are ignored. And that's okay, because I love you and it's my job. I am not as important as you guys. Quite frankly, it's exhausting. I'm not saying that I want it all to end right here and now. God, no! I'd be devastated if it did. I'm just saying that if you would go first, I'd not remarry. I'd hold our memories close to my heart and live out my days for myself, and of course the children, who will be grown and on their own by then, with any luck. It's not you, Honey. It's me. If I had it all to do over again, I'd do it exactly as before, with you."
I'm not sure if he understood my reasoning, and I think he went away from the discussion feeling unconvinced. See, this is why I hate talking about things like this. There's never a "good" answer to these types of questions.
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