Finding Myself Again

I used to laugh at the thought of a mid-life crisis. I never used to think it was a real thing. I just thought it was a convenient excuse that people used to explain their stupid actions around about mid-life.

A 40-something man goes out and spends money he doesn't have on a fast, cool new sports car. His excuse? A mid-life crisis: he wants to recapture his youth and that sports car is just the way to do it!

A 40-ish woman goes out and has an affair. Her excuse? A mid-life crisis: she just wants to know she's still got it.

It always seemed to me a poor excuse.

Now, I have no desire to go spend money foolishly (not on cars, anyway) or to step out on my husband (one man is enough, seriously!), but these days, I do find myself wondering who I am - who I was....before.

Obviously, I was younger, prettier and more outgoing. I think motherhood has a way of robbing you of who you once were. As mothers, we tend to let our own needs go for the sake of our children. We don't care as much about leaving the house without Jane Iredale makeup, or whether we're wearing the most trendy fashions. Some days, we're lucky to be dressed in something other than sweats at all.

Now that my kids are older and don't need me nearly as much (sniff, sniff), I'm constantly thinking about who I was before they came along. Am I still that same person? Is it possible to get back to that person? Do I even want to be her again? There's a definite change in tide around here. Is it a mid-life crisis? Will I do something stupid and use that as an excuse like so many before me? I don't know what the future holds. I just know I'm searching for something; an identity other than "mother" that defines who I am now. When I find it, I'll let you know.